Bristol and Beyond

In 2006, I came to Bristol on what seemed like a whim. I suspected I had been brought to Bristol for a reason. I wondered if this reason would become apparent over time. I had only been to Bristol once. I had lived in Oxfordshire for 17 years. It was familiar and safe yet I knew it was stifling me. I had wanted to leave Oxfordshire 8 years earlier but intuitively understood the time was not right. I had just ended my 17 year marriage and knew our children needed the stability of remaining in their family home and schools. I would have to wait to satisfy a long suppressed dream.

In 2004 I was due to finish my degree and began writing my dissertation.   Like many things I do in life, the process became long and tortuous. I have long been aware of feeling like two different people. Unfortunately these 2 people don’t seem to get along and have opposite opinions on most issues. Once again these 2 sides of my personality made it difficult to write the dissertation. I did not  know which voice to trust. I know this may be true for many people and does not mean I or you are mentally ill. After many months I took the finished dissertation to my supervisor for approval. He said the work lacked cohesion and he knew I could do much better. I cried and felt very frustrated and told him I had given it all I had. I did not go back to it for months. One cold January morning I returned to the computer and attempted a re-write. It took me four hours to write a paragraph and I felt paralysed with fear and anger. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I spontaneously and rather strangely shouted out loud, “What do you want? Why are you stopping me writing this dissertation? What do you want so we can work as a team? I did not know where my outburst had come from and I was equally shocked and amazed when an answer came. A voice replied, “I was promised at the age of 17 and 21 to be taken travelling to foreign lands and it has not happened. Take me travelling and I will help you.

I was stunned and sat for some minutes in silent reflection. Where had these voices come from? Were they various parts of me or from an external source? I now believe we all have the capacity to access a collective universal power that wants to help us reach our natural selves. Unfortunately I think most of us spend our life fighting this healthy voice and choose to listen to the voice that wants to sabotage us and keep us small.

I felt scared as I could not be certain which voice was the saboteur and which was striving towards health; maybe it was neither. However I decided to take a risk, as I felt the voices had created a bridge that I could choose to cross over or not. After much soul searching and many discussions with my partner I chose the unknown but exciting option.

Our teenagers had nearly reached independence so my partner John and I decided to rent the house for a year and go travelling. I told the voice I will take you travelling in 6 months if you help me write this dissertation and prepare for my oral exam. A deal was struck and my dissertation flowed cohesively from my finger tips and passed at 93%. My supervisor had been right I did have much more to give!

Our teenagers made plans for their respective futures and took some pretty big leaps of faith themselves which has definitely enhanced their lives. John and I packed up the house ready to rent and left for the Greek islands. I also planned to take my oral exam in Germany (in English) in November. I met much resistance from tutors and colleagues who said I would find revision difficult away from home, and may jeopardise my chances of passing my degree. I started to doubt my courage and was triggered back to similar scenarios when I had been 17 and 21 years old.

Whilst completing my ‘O’levels at school I used to buy the Lady magazine each week and planned to be an au pair somewhere in Europe. I so wanted to learn to speak a different language as I believed it would help me to access another unknown, but deeply sensed part of me. I still have not managed this ambition.

Aged 17 I told my parents and relatives of my plans. I was told I would be better doing the sensible thing and gaining a professional qualification first. I doubted myself and allowed myself to be persuaded to do the right thing and trained to be a nurse. I did not have the courage to trust my instincts and looking back I realise I adopted my parents outdated belief system and irrational archaic fears.

At 21 I planned to travel through Europe by train to the Greek islands with a nurse colleague of mine. I failed my finals. My plan was to retake my exams and await my results in Greece.  Once again much pressure was applied by tutors and parents to do the sensible thing. They convinced me not to go as if I failed a second time I would find it difficult to study for my third and final attempt. I remember crying for hours as they persuaded me to agree to their demands. I knew I had sold myself down the river and was deeply disappointed with my lack of self trust. Waiting for the results meant I would not have enough time to go to Greece once they arrived as I was getting married shortly after. I passed and I was gutted I had not gone.

For a third time I was being told to do the sensible thing and go travelling after my oral exam in Germany. This time I decided to ignore their bad advice and cross the bridge and trust the voice waiting for me on the other side. John and I visited 14 Greek islands and Turkey. It was a beautiful experience and I will never forget studying for my exams whilst overlooking the sparkling turquoise sea in Santorini. That view and the nightly sunsets calmed me and seemed an aid to fixing the words I was reading into my memory bank. I went to Germany in November and passed my exam with flying colours. Hurray for me and all those disbelievers.

John and I went on to travel through southern India for 4 months which was such an amazing education and a life changing experience. Our tenant stopped paying the rent so we returned home and spent the next 4 months on a road trip camping in France, Italy, Scotland and finally Devon whilst the eviction proceedings took place. All ended well. However, cutting our travels short had left us unsettled and slightly unsatisfied.

Once back in our family home in Oxfordshire we knew it was time to move but where to?  Once again a voice that seemed to come out of nowhere kept popping into my head and saying move to Bristol. I felt angry that this voice was unsettling me and I could not seem to shut it up. I kept saying (sometimes shouting) out loud to myself, Why Bristol? I expected an answer but none came. This scared and unsettled me further. Part of me knew I had to trust this voice but the suspicious paranoid part of me was scared and needed to understand where this voice was coming from. Would it be a healthy decision or was I about to shoot myself in the foot? I understand it is human nature to want to know why, why? I think it gives us a feeling of being in control of our lives and our destiny. It can create an illusion that we are protecting ourselves from unpredictable events. Many philosophers and existentialists explain how human beings unconsciously harbour deep fears of freedom, of being alone, of not making meaning and ultimately we are afraid of dying especially if we are not truly living.

After many arguments and discussions, John and I started looking at houses for sale in Bristol. We had no jobs and no means of getting a mortgage. We did not know the area but somehow we were led to South Bristol. We made an offer on a house and were so sure we were meant to live there we paid for roof repairs before it was ours. A very close and attuned friend called me one day saying she had just heard on the radio that a well known mortgage company were introducing a self certificate mortgage.   At that moment we were in Bristol and only minutes from a local branch. We amazingly convinced the mortgage advisor we were a good risk and bought our house a few weeks later. We were so lucky this happened before the housing crash and before mortgage regulations changed.

Life in Bristol has had its ups and downs but we have both come to feel at home here. When we first arrived I was struck by the beauty and mystical quality of Clifton suspension. I have come to believe that this amazing piece of engineering symbolises something incredibly special about Bristol. I feel Bristol is a city that is intent on forging all manner of links. Our home is in South Bristol and I found myself walking over the river bridges everyday to work, I became fascinated by the varied architectural designs and individual colours of the bridges and grateful for the practical links they formed between the opposite sides of the river.  Each day I became increasingly fascinated by the metaphors they began to conjure within me. I love the idea of building and crossing internal emotional and spiritual bridges to places often deeply sensed, but yet undiscovered. So when my daughter handed me the leaflet for this short story competition I felt immediately hooked by the title: “Bridges divide and link communities. They express; physical, emotional, and spiritual journey’s in our lives”. (Dr. Edson Burton). It felt a perfect match with my attraction to bridges and motivated me to write the true story of my journey to Bristol and beyond.

I have been saying for years that I wanted to write and had never done anything about it. I felt my daughter had given me a gift. The fact she had gone to the trouble of picking up this leaflet meant to me she must believe I may actually be able to do it. This inspired me to take a risk and I said to myself, “It’s time Jane. No more years of procrastinating. If you have a go, you will know if you have anything interesting to say”. I think this is why I have put it off for so long. Easier to hang onto to the dream that maybe I could write something others would want to read than feel the devastating reality that I have been deluding myself.  I know that when I avoid accepting the truth, however unpalatable, I keep myself stuck and frustrated. So I crossed from the denial side of the bridge, stared reality in the face and started to tell my story.

Although John and I have come to feel at home in Bristol, I in particular have never completely settled since our travels. My heart still has a deep yearning to live in a country where they speak a language that is mysterious and foreign to me. I seem to have a phobia about learning another language. Each time I attempt to pronounce words I don’t recognise, I feel embarrassed and give up. However, I keep returning to this desire over and over as I know deep in my DNA that learning to speak a different language would open a space in me that has been long forgotten. I don’t know how I know this but it feels my truth. I am beginning to recognise that I must be scared to cross that language bridge and re-connect with this part of me. I wonder if that was the reason that I travelled to 14 beautiful Greek islands looking for the perfect spot to drop anchor and did not find it?  Maybe it was not the right time? Maybe it was the part of me that is scared to be my natural self? I do not know the answer.

The thing I have become sure of is that being a constantly moving tourist both in my country of birth and whilst in Greece has been sabotaging the present and simple existence I dream of. I have convinced myself that the simple life I imagine will be more achievable in Greece. Of course this may be a delusion. In spite of this and the fact that Greece is going through a tough time I took the decision in February to make it happen. My decision was motivated by a 3 week stay with my family in New Zealand as both my brother and parents emigrated there 16 years ago. During my visit I uncovered a shocking family secret. The whole experience rocked my world and I knew I had to create space to be my real self before it was too late.

The hardest part was considering how to honour and respect the close relationships formed with clients and work colleagues. I decided to give 6 months notice with my last working day to be September 7^th 2012. During this time John and I had no idea how we could afford to stop working and live in Greece. He did not feel it was the right time and I too sensed I was pushing at a closed door. However I knew if I did not create a space to see what emerged, it, whatever IT is, would never happen.

As July approached I sadly recognised that I would not be in Greece by September but I was still committed to seeing what emerged. I so so wanted to force the next steps but knew I had to let events take their course. So I concentrated on the importance of staying present and paying complete attention to meaningful endings with clients and colleagues. It was emotionally difficult on both sides but very moving and growthful.

As I imagined the future I thought I would have to find casual work until the next part of the journey came into view, as John was in the process of starting a new job. In August I started to speculate that I had made space to become ill. I found this thought strange and felt scared that I may be able to give this thought power. I shared my fear with John and he was unable to take my concerns seriously which reassured me a little.

2 weeks later a letter arrived inviting me for a routine mammogram. I felt scared that this would be the illness I had imagined. I started to speculate as I had suffered intermittent breast pain for the previous 9 months. However I told myself I was being silly as the pain had been in both breasts and was diagnosed by my GP as mastalgia. I put it to the back of my mind until the following Wednesday afternoon when I retrieved another hospital letter from the mat. The letter said we would like you to attend tomorrow for a follow up of your mammogram. I don’t remember what else it said. I knew in that moment I had breast cancer. Even though the enclosed leaflet looked favourable saying that 8 out of 10 breast lumps proved to be benign, I sensed that would not be my fate.

I felt my shock physically as if someone was sat on my chest and I was finding it difficult to breathe. My head was swimming and I did not know what to do with myself. Should I phone my partner or my friends? No I could not bear to speak my fears and shock out loud as it would make it more real and unbearable. I decided to look for information on the internet. This both scared and reassured me. I was hoping I had the most common form of breast cancer which has a 90% success rate.

My partner’s new job was proving to be very stressful and I thought I would not tell him about the letter until I had been to the clinic tomorrow. I tried to tell myself why worry him unnecessarily they will tell me it’s benign even though I knew in my heart this would not be the case. He was due to go out that evening so we only had an hour together and I kept it to myself. A friend phoned me that evening and I asked why I had not responded to the message she had left earlier. I found myself explaining that I had not wanted to tell her about my letter so had ignored her call. She listened and gave me the good advice to tell John when he returned home that evening.

He tried to be optimistic and wanted to attend tomorrow’s appointment with me. I thought it was important he did not have time off from his new job until necessary. Reluctantly he went to work and I went to the clinic. The doctor and nurse were very kind as they showed me the white area on my mammograms films. I asked if she thought it was a benign lump. She was very respectful of my need to know the truth and told me she did not think it was as the edges were uneven. She told me she was concerned and wanted to take a biopsy from the lump and from a lymph node. She was very gentle and clear and told me my results would take about a week. The nurse made me an appointment to see the surgeon in 8 days time.

I had been calm all through the appointment and procedures. When I returned home my intuitive friend phoned me unexpectedly. I told her my news and we discussed what I needed next. She helped me get in touch with my feelings as I felt a little numb and shut down. I realised I needed to cancel my evening clients and to ask John to come home. He came home and we cried and dealt with our shock together. We decided not to tell anyone else until we had the results from the biopsy.

8 days later on the 24^th of August the surgeon told John and me that I had breast cancer. We tried to take in the difficult news. She told us that it was a fairly fast growing cancer but that there was an extra treatment available for the type of cancer I had. She explained this would complement the surgery and chemotherapy treatment I would be given.  I finished work 2 weeks later, nearly as planned.

This was not the Greece I had expected and I do not know what to make of these strange events. Was this the reason the voice had drawn me to Bristol 6 years ago? I can’t know the answer to that. What I do know for sure is that the cancer diagnosis has awoken me from a long sleep. I feel less depressed and more settled and content with my lot than I have felt in years. I still want to go to Greece but I don’t yearn to be there right now and I no longer feel my life depends on it. I find it so much easier to live in the now and enjoy simple moments.

The chemotherapy is given in 3 weekly cycles. The first week and sometimes the second can be hard. On the days or weeks that I have felt ill I have sometimes felt deep despair and have wondered how people cope with long term chronic illness. I am not sure I could cope. However, knowing the symptoms will ease as I get towards the end of the three week cycle gives me hope. On the days I feel well I so appreciate my health and my life. It has helped me to put life into perspective. I used to worry about my appearance, housework and mess, my poor self esteem and whether people liked me and the fact that I was underachieving financially. I now know that if you have your health you can enjoy so many things if your mind will allow you. Health and meaningful connections with family and friends and nature are what’s important to me now.  I still worry if the house looks untidy when people come, what others will think of my hair loss and changed appearance and the fact I am unable to work right now. These very human preoccupations are now more fleeting thoughts than daily and debilitating obsessions. Cancer has taken me over a bridge.